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Showing posts from 2011

Highest Level Of Depression

I am about to loose it. Called Wells Fargo a few minutes ago because we faxed a letter asking for an extention to our eviction that is set for the 27th of December. They NOW tell us they don't do that even though a rep told me to fax it in. Well... so that means that all our crap has to be out by that day. Family of four. Merry Flipping Christmas, Ryan Family! It keeps piling up and piling up. I really wished that people research before they give information that could effect people like this. I have to work from 2pm to 10:30pm. When I get home we put our boys in bed. The same little boys that I haven't been able to see very much due to our schedule. That leaves VERY little time to do anything else... mixed with the fact that we have nowhere to go puts a little more strain on everyone. We haven't told the kids and we aren't going to. They don't need to worry. They need to be kids. All they DO know is that we are moving... just don't know when or where. We might

Back To Basics

Today I go back to work. I think it will feel good. Back to the place I worked at for 7 1/2 years. I have heard that a lot of the people I worked with have since then moved on... So that is weighing a little heavily on me. I have met so many awesome people thru the years there, I am sure I will meet many more. The actual work itself I am ok with. Its going to be a good thing to get back to something I already know. This past year has been filled with uncertainty and chaos. That is the reason I am going back. Ever since I left Convergys, it seems that everything started going downhill. I am simply going back to the place where things made the most sense. Silly? Maybe. But I have to go with my gut on this one. If not for me, for my family. Its time to provide. Its time to build up what we have lost, and become a stronger family then we were before.

Self Realization

Pain found me again this morning.  Poking me with its silver blades, I groaned and twisted my body every way imaginable to somehow dodge his attacks but... was unsuccessful each time. He has found a way to enter my dreams now, therefore no or very little rest is obtainable. Dreams were my only resistance. To leap off a cliff and before plummeting to certain death, arms are spread and I pull up at the very last second and the only thing that would touch the jagged rock below is the wind dancing with small particles of dust where I would have landed. I am almost afraid to jump anymore in my dreams. The real world would surely find me and make me pay for trying to hide from it. I need an escape route, just to bypass his attacks... even if its just for a few minutes. Everywhere I run, he is already there. Every new place I find, he sits and is alreafy waiting for me. He is everywhere I go before I get there. He is... me. I can't separate him, he is too entwined within me. He almost

The Face Under The Mask

When I started this pain journal I was expecting to put down all of the physical pain and record what started spasming and what I was doing when the onset occurred. Give it to the doctor and boom, done. Instant duagnosis. Sadly it has taken a little detour. I never took in to account the emotional pain that it puts on me, my friends, and most of all... my family. This last year has been the hardest of my life. My illness has gotten progressively worse which effects all of us. There have been so many doctors in the past 10 years. So many meds that did nothing but maybe mask the pain for a few minutes, gave me side effect after side effect... and then subside. My last doctors appointment at the end of November was perhaps the most eye opening that I have had. No news I hadn't already heard but I was getting the paperwork that the doctor gave me and there was a field that said diagnosis/other - it showed the words, Muscular Dystrophy.           I asked the doctor if that was accurate

Last Stitch Effort

Please help This is going to sound both desperate and crazy but I have to try anything and everything that I can. I am the dad of two small boys as well as a husband. We recently were told that we have to vacate our home by the 2nd of December 2011. We have no income due to a medical issue that I have. I have some type of rare neuro muscular condition or a form of Muscular Dystrophy left undiagnosed. I have not been able to make the mortgage payments in a timely manner and our home has already went to a sheriffs sale on the 3rd of November. We have until the 2nd of December to come up with about 60 thousand dollars to be able to stay in the home and save it. This past year has been so hard on all of us financially as well as spiritually. We are getting my oldest tested for Autism and I really feel that this move would be a negative experience for him. Sorry. I just re-read what I have so far... It sounds horrible but i just cant let this go. There has to be something else that I can

6 Days To Make A Difference

Here it is... crunch time. I have exactly 6 days to raise about 60 grand, yeah, it IS possible but very unlikely. If I raise the funds I get to keep my home, if not, well... you know the rest. If I could get my hands on 650 bucks then there is a company that specializes in getting people with foreclosed homes time to live in the property so they can figure out what to do. A minimum of 30 days to 7 months or more,  http://www.plnevictiondefense.com  seems like exactly what I have been looking for but sadly this doesn't seem like a possibility either due to lack of funding. I start training back at Convergys on the 5th. I used to work there previously. 7 1/2 years total time. A lot of people ask me WHY GO BACK? Well, it just makes sense. Before I had the job we really didn't have a whole lot. I started at Convergys and was approved for a home... everything else just seemed to fall into place. 2 children, wife... Now everything is crazy. No money, no home... I went to get my cla

A Home-Less

Pardon my emotions on this one. They will be scattered various places. Man. Where do I start? ... I am usually a pretty private person but I need to release some guilt/stress or I will explode on people who dont deserve it. Ok, here I go... I feel as though I am a horrible father. God that sentence hurts. One of the very few things I have prided myself on is being a good dad. I have failed. Failed both my boys, as well as their mother. We are soon without a home, because I, the "provider" could not provide. Due to medical issues I could not make our mortgage payments... and now we have until the 2nd of December to vacate. Yes, I am a horrible father... I have taken the foundation out from my families feet and have replaced it with uncertainty... and did so at the worse time of the year. As I re-read what I typed up just now, I thought seeing it in print would possibly lead me to clarify of thought... You know, like sometimes in movies where the unlikely hero just captures

30 Minutes Of Sobriety

          I think that lately I have been far too focused on the negative aspects of my life.They always seem to outweigh the good by such a hefty margin.           To help me remember what I was put on this earth to do, to seek and replenish the strength I have lost, and to reafirm that all my actions are not perfect but well intended... 30 minutes each day I will sit in silience. 1800 seconds void of all intentional thought processes. All social interaction (including electronic means) will be silienced. I will be simply disconnected. I hope that within this thirty day period, I may find the clarity I can't seem to find anywhere else.           I know, you are asking yourself... why? My reply is... why not?

The Dream That Went No Where

Reading my last entry where I talk about looking at other peoples legs and how they move has really consumed me. I hope I don't secretly resent people because they are able to move without pain and I can't. I had a dream last night and the only thing I dreamt about was being able to move as naturally as ever. I was walking down a fire escape in between 2 close buildings. It had just rained because I remember the droplets falling periodically between the metal grating of the steps to an old empty dumpster below. Everything was in slow motion. The droplets that fell sounded as small bass drums when landing on the metal and plastic below. My cane lay at the very bottom on its side, the name Kasaundra etched in the wood was barely visible with the small pool forming underneath. Not sure if I was walking down to get the cane or just walking down but I know that there was no urgency to my steps. No thought process. It was just step after slow step. T

And... cue the depression in 3 2 1...

          I don't even know what to type. Sitting at work with my back to my coworkers for fear of interaction. I hate this. I am supposed to be a people person but I just can't do it... not today. I feel like everyone is watching me and just feeling sorry for me. "Poor Mark, can't even walk a straight line with his cane." I bet they think I am faking it. Hell, if I was, you would have to give me an A+ for consistency.  Over 5 years and getting worse day by fucking day.           I now look at peoples legs and how they are able to move so freely and without the least resistance.           I used to like running. I ran a lot. Its like I could leave the world behind and with each thundrous extension of my leg, the pain seemed worth it. I thought that people ran with pain all the time. The more they ran, the further away from the pain they were. Pain was just sitting back, ghosting my every move. Waiting to turn up the heat... so I can't run away. He is beating

Talons

I am so tired of feeling so broken all the time. Tired of feeling like I have to try twice as hard as everyone else. Granted I know that there are a LOT worse off people then myself out in the world and my heart goes out to them. I honestly can't even think of my life with my broken body being any harder... But I know it could be worse. That has me worried. If this is a progression (which it is) it means it IS going to get worse. Much worse. If I can't stand it now, that doesn't give me any comfort for the future. I just have to reach down further and find something rooted that the claws can slowly rip... And then reach even further then that each and every day.

Hand Images

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With making a fist for 10 seconds, and letting go... Hands will not go back to normal on their own.

The Legend Of Sleepy Post

          Ok. On top of all the pain and ailments that I have already, sleeplessness has to be a bitch too.           I know that lack of sleep can be quite a nuisance so this post will be short due to hands cramping up and the light from my phone might be bothering my wife.           I will be making a page for all of my issues complete with images. Be looking for that later. Good night, I hope.

The Loner

(Saved At 12:44 pm) Here I sit, at work, looking at everyone interact with one another. When I was in training class for this job, I was told that I was or acted like a loner. I told my wife and she agreed with them. I never really thought of myself as a loner but I guess that is what I am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE people. You can't feel inspired totally unless you include the human condition and all that it has to offer. Why am I a loner? I don't know. Perhaps it is because i feel inadequate. Who wants to be surrounded by people that are smarter, better looking, and on a better train of life then you are. Yes, I know what you are saying or thinking. There is no one that knows for sure if they are better off. There is no one to say that you are diminutive to them but yourself. Your seeing my negative self outlook, assuming that I had issues at home when I was a child. Yes, correct, but this isn't about then, it's about now. I have created my own sys

Pinky Swear

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It's weird. You would think that you would know your body pretty well as it is something you see and feel every day of your life. I looked down recently due to some pain I had, and noticed that my hands were very ... Un-natural. My pinkys are starting to almost grow away from the rest of my fingers. As you can see by the 3 recent photos in this post, some of my other fingers get locked in place. My fingers though are extremely strong. Almost too strong. I can't even tickle my children because I wind up hurting them. I have to really focus on my hands when I hold a glass or cup, some days I can feel my hands grip too strong that I might break the cup... And other days I feel as though that glass could slip right out of my grasp. I have to hold the glass with my pinky underneath so I won't drop it. Whatever I have is very inconsistent. I wish that there was a path my body would follow rather then bouncing around from one extreme to the other.

It's All In The Hips...

          Woke up this AM with a pain I sadly have felt before. Do you ever remember taking string and wrapping it around your finger to see it change color and temperature? It feels like someone wrapped string around my waist and the full lower half of my body is absolutely throbbing. No color changes thank gosh but the constant waves of uncontrollable pain is just so much that I can't get out of bed. I feel very sad for my wife to have to hear me crying, knowing she wasn't able to fix anything. I think its frustrating for both sides. Me for feeling the pain 24-7 and for her having to not only listen to me wimper and groan, but to feel that helplessness for not being able to help me.           I just took two Lortab 10s to try to take the edge off. I hate taking pills, I just HATE them, any kind of medication really. I have been prescribed so many things throughout the years, I am staggered I don't have a dependancy for them. I do my version of prayer thanking the powers

To My Knees

If one knee hurts a person, they usually use the other leg more to compensate. If both hurt, it's almost impossible to walk. The last few days have been hard. Not sure if it is the weather change or what but both knees are so sore that I can barely walk. I sat in class for a while with both legs up on a chair, but with all my other aches and pains I had to cycle different ways to sit. After a while my hips felt like they were on fire. My muscles were pulsating in my neck causing the head to shake. I don't think anyone noticed because I usually can hide them pretty well. I learned from Michael J. fox that if you stand stationary, anyone can see the shakes. If you move with them, they don't see them as strong. So... That is what I do. It hurts to move but to look normal, I have to move. We all strive to be normal, whatever that is.

Summer Tumbler

I try to remember what it's like to be free. Barefoot on grass... to dig my feet into the soil and feel as though I could take off. To generate my own wind just by the force my body made going forward. To run. I used to love it. The sound that the world made as I ran across it seemed less complicated. Less harsh.      Welcome to the first day of Summer. Another season has come and gone. Another season that I wasn't able to truly enjoy. Yes, I know... It's all about what you make of it... And It could always be worse... Oh, and let's not forget, GET OVER IT ALREADY! Yeah... I hear ya. I wish I could get over it. I don't know... Let me see what you would do in this scenario. I might be missing something:  Out of a full 60 seconds, your body parts ache for 44 of them. Let's say that this goes on every minute of every day. Let's say that painful tremors/spasms happen in your legs, arms, fingers, toes, neck, and back at least 5 times every 20 or 30 minutes. Now,

Reflection In The Kiddy Pool

I layed the blanket over my youngest, snoring away. My mind reminded me of before, when there were no children. 10 years ago I was worried about how my life would turn out. Looking down at these kids I now worry how their lives will turn out. I am no longer just in charge of MY own well being, but that of two children who look up to me and my wife for guidance with everything I never had growing up. I never thought that I would have the most important job a man could have. Being a Father.      I know, I'm sappy at times. I do have a direction with this post though. I bring up the subject of my kids, and yes... This is a pain journal... I worry. I worry every damn day of my life. Whenever they fall down a tiny part of me thinks that its because of me. My medical issues. I then try to reassure myself that they will be OK. Its in my head, I mean... Kids fall. They are clumsy, and awkward. They are still getting to know their body's center of gravity. All these things are running

WTF SSD

So SSD (Social Security Disability) called me today. I had sent in paperwork to them recently. She asked me a few questions so she could get my paperwork filed to the medical department. She states that if I go back to work, work a regular 40 hour work week and are making more then 1000.00 a month, then SSD will look at that as I am all better and that is where my paperwork will stop. WTF?!  How am I supposed to provide for my family? Push my body to the point where I shouldn't push any more?      So I guess I wait, and work my crippled ass off in the meantime. I had to swallow a lot of pride to get that paperwork sent off in the first place. Its just like me walking with my cane for the first time. I remember walking into a store and thought I could feel everyone looking at me... In a disappointed stare. Like I was 6 years old and disappointed my mother for the first time. The feeling was in the pit of my stomach. Some people don't understand that when one is used to doing ev

Karma?

     I must have been a bad person in this or one of my past lives. Sure. I have done things I am not happy for. Things I regret, but I don't remember doing any unspeakable acts to constitute living every second of every day in agony. I know that sounds a bit extreme but its the truth. Just moving my head in a direction that is every bit normal as the anatomy will allow, I wince in pain.      Fingers, shoulders, hips, toes, neck, ankles, wrists, you name it. I am really starting to believe that I am a horrible person. I have lost a lot of confidence with my condition, and I am supposed to be taking care of my family as best I can. That is a very hard thing to do. Especially beings as I feel like shit on a daily basis. Maybe someone I have come across on my life path thinks I deserve what I am getting or maybe it is just the deck I was given. Either way I am sorry. I have learned my lesson. Can I have my life back now, Karma?

Man... I'm Hip

     I woke up and about fell over. My hips, mostly my left, hurting pretty @!$# bad. I don't remember doing anything to cause it the day before, I did however mow the lawn today which is probably why I am laying in bed now.      No swelling, as usual. Sometimes I wish I would swell up! I would then be able to have something to SHOW the doctors. Too many times have I hobbled into a doctors office and complained of pain. I get this same look all the time. The look. The -oh, its someone else who wants a shot or pills- look. I don't like pills. I don't like shots. I just hate classifications that we give people.

Jabber Jaw

     Hey. It's me again. Yeah, THAT guy. I was reading over some of my blog posts and about fell asleep and died from boredom, all at the same time. PARTY FOUL! Each post was this hurt and that hurts. No oomf. No... me. Granted its a little after one in the morning as you can judge by the time stamp. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I am just writing from the stream of conscience. Whatever pops into my head. I can always delete this post tomorrow, right? I mean, who really wants to read the words of an obviously physically impaired person. It's not "good" reading. Lame... pardon the pun.      So I have the official Blogger app on my phone so I can now bore everyone with my ramblings at a much more consistent pace. My wife is laying beside me right now. I see her face by the digital light from my phone. A geek somewhere just sighed.      Man... She is beautiful. Outside and in. I don't think I have met a more compassionate person in all my life. She not only is t

Dogatonic Lick Down

Ok, so I was laying in my bed last night when I tried to scoot up onto my pillow more and then stopped, I  remember laying back down more slowly as when I got up. I couldn't move. It was like I was stuck in a trance. Couldn't look around either. I just... layed there. The tv was on, My wife was sitting next to me doing something so her attention wasn't focused on me. I couldn't even mouth an audible sound let alone create one. My dog Trooper gently walked up on my chest and licked me 3 times... on the 3rd lick I was able to open my eyes and look around and then was fine. I never have been caught in my own body like that. It was like my soul forgot how to control my body and had to Google it or something.

And On Sunday He Reflected

Laying on my left side in bed because my right side is throbbing. I have to continuously move from my left to my back, then to my right. After that I start the process over. Its also my sleep routine. It's probably one reason I don't feel rested or relaxed when I wake up. If only there was a pill that would turn off my muscles, it would be incredible. I know what your thinking... They DO make a pill that does that... I have taken so many different drugs to do just that with no success. Not sure why but today reminds me of A time where I was exceptionally jerky. My muscles were just insane. I had to go to the ER due to constant involuntary muscle spasms and pain all over. I couldn't walk because the muscles would contract and release at random times. I heard a doctor tell another doctor, "I have never felt muscles move that way." They had to give me Ativan to calm them down. They give 1 shot of Ativan for people that have Grand Mal Seizures. They gave me 2 shots be

I'll Try Decaf

I swear I remind myself of Katherine Hepburn at times. Thank god my head nods aren't that pronounced or constant. We were in Choctaw, Oklahoma at my wife's mothers today. She had mentioned that she saw my head bob quite a bit while we were having dinner. Her mother knows a little about my condition, but this was the first time that someone ever drew my attention to it. I am almost used to it. Used to the misery. It's really sad that anyone could get used to something so painful. decaf. Not that I consume large amounts of "caf" anyways but my wife wanted me to try to remove it as to rule out the cause of the recent increased tremors and muscle spasms I have experienced. If this doesn't change anything, my dosage of Neurontin may have to be adjusted. I take 1200mg a day, and am skeptical of any more dosage upgrades. What does someone do when the increase of the meds doesn't stop the tremors? I would just shake. Shake so everyone can see me... just by a gla

It's The Hippy Hippy Shake

My body is sore. My head is cloudy. I just had a full body tremor that lasted a few hours. My right arm would shake, then my left leg. My jaw would get tight, and my head would bob side to side off and on thru out the attack. Fingers and hands would be locked in place with periodic moments where they resembled someone with MD. I am racking my brain trying to figure out what was different today that could have caused it. I am so lost right now I barily remember the sentence I typed before this one. Fingers are starting to tell me I have typed too much already. More later. :)

A New Hope...

Well. I should have known that I was going to forget to post last night but someone told me of documentary and my wife and I HAD to watch it. Under Our Skin is the name of it. It talks about Lyme Disease. My long lost cousin who I apparently haven't seen since I was 4 years old. Hi Rochelle!! Anyway, she told me about the problems that she was/is having and told me to go to a website http://www.lymeinfo.net and there is when a little bit of hope grew to a little more hope. The symptoms are too many to mention but I have far too many of them to not look into it. I am probably admitting my own stupidity but I have heard of limes disease and always thought it was what people who weren't clean contracted. Granted it is caused by bacteria and ticks but I really learned a lot from the movie and the various websites I have visited. I look at it like this, even if they do the tests and I don't have it, that is one more thing that I can rule out that I DON'T have. Silver lining,

Time To Move

Well, I spent the full day yesterday laying in bed and trying to let the muscles relax and rest. Now it is time to get up and I am so not looking forward to it, especially with it being a little chilly out. It seems that "this" is stealing a little mobility each year. Over 5 years now walking with a cane... It makes me wonder where I will be in another 5 years. Scooter? Of course I would cope, I would have to. I have been blessed with a odd sence of humor and way of thinking about things. I can see me shopping for bumper stickers, and flame decals for the scooter. Anything to get past it... I have two kids and a wife that count on me to be a part of this family. I won't lie, I forget that a lot. I don't want it to be all about me. I downplay my illness because I have dreams and thoughts (blame tv maybe) and I see my kids getting robbed of a childhood because I am focused on the wrong things that make life... Life. I can't wait for our kids to get into sports, whic

ER Rant

Sitting in the ER waiting room waiting for Kasaundra. Had to get a refill of my Tramadol. It is really sad that other people that try to manipulate the system ruin it for all the others that truly need the medications. I am taking low grade pain meds for high grade pain. Of course I am going to run out. I have to double up on the meds to get ANY relief. I, of course, am no doctor. Who am I to say what meds I should take. But common sence dictates that if there is a certain level of pain to a condition, you treat it with the same level of anti pain meds to lower or negate that condition. It's just sad. Sad that we as Americans cannot leave this world without twisting and turning something to fit our warped and selfish needs. Sorry this entry on my blog is a little more bitter then the other posts. I will try to not have this be a growing trend. I do want to add though that this is feeling more therapeutic then it ever has before. Maybe I need this. Maybe I need to just vent and let

Strobe Without The Work

I woke up this AM pretty much like any other day. I felt my head tremors a little more profound then other days but nothing more then I was already used to. Yesterday we had the neighbor boy over playing in our front yard with my two little boys and his niece. I remember just standing on the porch and watching all the excitement. Everyone was chasing each other lauching and smiling from ear to ear. For once in my life i saw that I had what I have always wanted. I had THAT yard. The yard where everyone comes to. The FUN house. A sandbox, cars and dump trucks. Toys layed out everywhere as if hit by the most perfect childhood cyclone. After taking my meds this morning, Neurontin, Flexril, Methocarbomol, Ranatidine, and Celexa. -I know it sounds like a lot but it's what was prescribed to me and has since then worked to add a little normalcy to my life- I layed there for about 30 to 45 minutes until the tremors in my neck stopped my head from nodding. Right before sitting up I no

The Tattoo Reminder

So, yesterday my wife and I went to the Cox Convention center where they were having a tattoo convention and a bunch of other stuff. Saw the lead singer of a band get wasted on drinking Yager straight while on stage. So bad that the guy threw 2 guitars at the back of the stage and started to rip banners down. He knocked off his bottle of Yager off the stage. Crazy! I got my very first tattoos there. Both on each forearm. Both in fancy cursive writing. One says my oldest boys name, Travis. The other for my youngest boy, Carter. I got them not as a showoff piece but more for me. I got them on my arms so that I can always look down and know my role in this world. I'm a dad. A dad that probably has a lot of room for improvement. I will say that I try. Hard. Probably a little too hard. I grew up without a dad as a lot of you can relate to. There was so many things that I should have know at age 6 that I didn't learn till I was 12. I have always been just behind the curve. Just a f

9:52

I used my right foot to clear the small rock and jagged glass from beneath the most perfect tree I could find. Using my cane as almost a handrail, I sat down. There were mounds of ant hill to the left and right, but no ant in sight. Perhaps it was the cold air that blew, keeping them within the earth but, I'd like to think that they were giving me my space. Solitude. A chance to think unclouded and without worrying of what else I can obsess over or get angry about. Other then the faint sound of a helicopter over head, attempting to bring the news back with them, the sound of the wind thru the trees, and the birds echoing to the others, I heard nothing else. The sight though, that is another story. Beauty in it's most complex form, lay out before me like a play already in progress. Despite the park where I sit is by a elementary school, recess hasn't started, so now I find myself almost trying to "hurry" and relax before the sound of children replaces the sound

When Comfort Gets Removed

Here I sit. The living room, in a poor boy version of a lazy boy. Shoulders have been aching ever since I came back from the park with my boys. This is the first time in a long time that I have actually had to remove myself from my most favorite room in my home. My bedroom. What does one do when they can't even relax in their own bed? My arms feel as though they are relying on rusty hinges to navigate and accomplish simple everyday tasks. The shooting pains that accompany these movements reminds me of modern jazz with less then eloquent crashing symbals periodically thru without any precursor or climax to the song. At times they weigh heavily on my shoulders and then I briefly think of how easy my life would be without arms, legs, hands... They do allow me to complete many tasks but the pain outweighs the usefulness sometimes. So I sit. I can tell that the length of this blog post will soon follow tightened and seemingly arthritic fingers. Do I still type? Do I still

I'd give pain the finger, but I can't.

Well, I have but 2 fingers and 2 thumbs that I am able to use with minimal pain now so typing this is very difficult and time consuming. First finger on each hand and the thumbs are the only ones with movement now. This could change at practically any time. It's situations like these that I call whatever I have "stupid" pain. Just no sence in it. I have nothing to call my condition. Either it has a name and no one has formally introduced us, or it chooses to remain nameless... For now. I know your asking yourselves, "Why be so dramatic, is it really THAT bad?" Yeah, it's that bad, and the blogging seems to be my Snickers of the day. It's tiding me over until the main course gets prepared.

Arugh! I've just been sand bagged!

Ugh! I feel the hurt in my bones! I set up the sandbox yesterday for the boys. We got 200lbs of sand, 4 bags at 50lbs each. I actually thought that I wasn't going to hurt today. I was pretty surprised that I was able to move so well after I got them all set up, ripped open and poured out. My hands are pretty sore in all the joints/hinges as if I was holding on to something for dear life for hours. My fingers also feel like If you had too much flesh around the bone. Plump. Almost not able to close my hands. My lower back from bending over to lift/pour, and my knees have the feeling of something on fire under the kneecap on both knees. Just overall stiff. Just so sad... And stupid.

Dude, R U Mental?

My pain is pretty manageable today. I did have an issue with my right shoulder. We were walking into Home Depot to pick up some sand for our children's sand box. Before we ever got to the isle... hell, even before we walked into the second set of doors of the store my shoulder started hurting. No stumbling into or hitting anything previous. I had grabbed a nearby scooter and made my way inside. For about 3 or 4 seconds only, I had a pain as though my shoulder had come out of it's socket. That kind of pain would have stopped me mid scoot, sad what you can get used to. The pain subsided about as fast as it started with just the "normal" aches and pains I usually have. It's really stupid. The pains that come and go almost have ME wondering sometimes if all this isn't in my head. I have had a lot of times where I felt like there was something wrong with me mentally and NOT physically. I guess anyone that goes thru this kind of consistent undiagnosed has to at some

Tremors After Neurontin?

Well, yesterday was probably the first day I have had tremors since taking Neurontin. It is only effecting my left leg though. I was lucky enough to have this happen while I was in the hospital waiting for my doctor appointment. She gave me a script for Flexril so hopefully that will allow the tremors to subside. My wife thinks that my onset is because of stress and worry. That could be, all I know is that after this stops its twitching... my leg will be sore as hell. My right leg will have to compensate for the pain which will cause me to walk a different way and maneuver my cane. This will then hurt my feet and ankles. Its crazy. If one part of your body that is frequently used, isn't able to be used that way, the others have to work differently. This is Similar to if one would try to catch themselves from slipping or falling. The muscles tighten in a way that aren't normally used. This is why they say that trying to catch yourself from falling is sometimes worse then the fal