Reflection In The Kiddy Pool

I layed the blanket over my youngest, snoring away. My mind reminded me of before, when there were no children. 10 years ago I was worried about how my life would turn out. Looking down at these kids I now worry how their lives will turn out. I am no longer just in charge of MY own well being, but that of two children who look up to me and my wife for guidance with everything I never had growing up. I never thought that I would have the most important job a man could have. Being a Father.

     I know, I'm sappy at times. I do have a direction with this post though. I bring up the subject of my kids, and yes... This is a pain journal... I worry. I worry every damn day of my life. Whenever they fall down a tiny part of me thinks that its because of me. My medical issues. I then try to reassure myself that they will be OK. Its in my head, I mean... Kids fall. They are clumsy, and awkward. They are still getting to know their body's center of gravity. All these things are running thru my head... everytime my kid so much as mentions their foot hurting or their knee. Whatever. Its mentally exhausting to have that amount of thought all at once.

     I didn't start having the tremors and other issues until my kids were already born. Would I have chosen to take precautions? Yes. No. I don't know. All three? Its kind of odd reflecting back... I did my equivalent of prayer for them to find a diagnosis for me. I have cursed the medical profession so many times and I know... Its not them that I am so angry at. Its the situation. I said in one of my previous posts that its Karma. I am getting payback for something I did, said, or thought of.  The more years that tick away with their resonance on my body, the more I believe it. That's why I think I try so hard to instill in my children with the importance of manners. The right way, and the wrong. They could have whatever gene I have that cripples me... But maybe, just maybe... If they are nice to people perhaps Karma will see that and that gene problem I have might skip over them.