Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

It's weird. You would think that you would know your body pretty well as it is something you see and feel every day of your life. I looked down recently due to some pain I had, and noticed that my hands were very ... Un-natural. My pinkys are starting to almost grow away from the rest of my fingers. As you can see by the 3 recent photos in this post, some of my other fingers get locked in place. My fingers though are extremely strong. Almost too strong. I can't even tickle my children because I wind up hurting them. I have to really focus on my hands when I hold a glass or cup, some days I can feel my hands grip too strong that I might break the cup... And other days I feel as though that glass could slip right out of my grasp. I have to hold the glass with my pinky underneath so I won't drop it. Whatever I have is very inconsistent. I wish that there was a path my body would follow rather then bouncing around from one extreme to the other.

          Woke up this AM with a pain I sadly have felt before. Do you ever remember taking string and wrapping it around your finger to see it change color and temperature? It feels like someone wrapped string around my waist and the full lower half of my body is absolutely throbbing. No color changes thank gosh but the constant waves of uncontrollable pain is just so much that I can't get out of bed. I feel very sad for my wife to have to hear me crying, knowing she wasn't able to fix anything. I think its frustrating for both sides. Me for feeling the pain 24-7 and for her having to not only listen to me wimper and groan, but to feel that helplessness for not being able to help me.           I just took two Lortab 10s to try to take the edge off. I hate taking pills, I just HATE them, any kind of medication really. I have been prescribed so many things throughout the years, I am staggered I don't have a dependancy for them. I do my version of prayer thanking the powers