Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

Sitting in the ER waiting room waiting for Kasaundra. Had to get a refill of my Tramadol. It is really sad that other people that try to manipulate the system ruin it for all the others that truly need the medications. I am taking low grade pain meds for high grade pain. Of course I am going to run out. I have to double up on the meds to get ANY relief. I, of course, am no doctor. Who am I to say what meds I should take. But common sence dictates that if there is a certain level of pain to a condition, you treat it with the same level of anti pain meds to lower or negate that condition. It's just sad. Sad that we as Americans cannot leave this world without twisting and turning something to fit our warped and selfish needs. Sorry this entry on my blog is a little more bitter then the other posts. I will try to not have this be a growing trend. I do want to add though that this is feeling more therapeutic then it ever has before. Maybe I need this. Maybe I need to just vent and let

I woke up this AM pretty much like any other day. I felt my head tremors a little more profound then other days but nothing more then I was already used to. Yesterday we had the neighbor boy over playing in our front yard with my two little boys and his niece. I remember just standing on the porch and watching all the excitement. Everyone was chasing each other lauching and smiling from ear to ear. For once in my life i saw that I had what I have always wanted. I had THAT yard. The yard where everyone comes to. The FUN house. A sandbox, cars and dump trucks. Toys layed out everywhere as if hit by the most perfect childhood cyclone. After taking my meds this morning, Neurontin, Flexril, Methocarbomol, Ranatidine, and Celexa. -I know it sounds like a lot but it's what was prescribed to me and has since then worked to add a little normalcy to my life- I layed there for about 30 to 45 minutes until the tremors in my neck stopped my head from nodding. Right before sitting up I no

So, yesterday my wife and I went to the Cox Convention center where they were having a tattoo convention and a bunch of other stuff. Saw the lead singer of a band get wasted on drinking Yager straight while on stage. So bad that the guy threw 2 guitars at the back of the stage and started to rip banners down. He knocked off his bottle of Yager off the stage. Crazy! I got my very first tattoos there. Both on each forearm. Both in fancy cursive writing. One says my oldest boys name, Travis. The other for my youngest boy, Carter. I got them not as a showoff piece but more for me. I got them on my arms so that I can always look down and know my role in this world. I'm a dad. A dad that probably has a lot of room for improvement. I will say that I try. Hard. Probably a little too hard. I grew up without a dad as a lot of you can relate to. There was so many things that I should have know at age 6 that I didn't learn till I was 12. I have always been just behind the curve. Just a f

I used my right foot to clear the small rock and jagged glass from beneath the most perfect tree I could find. Using my cane as almost a handrail, I sat down. There were mounds of ant hill to the left and right, but no ant in sight. Perhaps it was the cold air that blew, keeping them within the earth but, I'd like to think that they were giving me my space. Solitude. A chance to think unclouded and without worrying of what else I can obsess over or get angry about. Other then the faint sound of a helicopter over head, attempting to bring the news back with them, the sound of the wind thru the trees, and the birds echoing to the others, I heard nothing else. The sight though, that is another story. Beauty in it's most complex form, lay out before me like a play already in progress. Despite the park where I sit is by a elementary school, recess hasn't started, so now I find myself almost trying to "hurry" and relax before the sound of children replaces the sound

Here I sit. The living room, in a poor boy version of a lazy boy. Shoulders have been aching ever since I came back from the park with my boys. This is the first time in a long time that I have actually had to remove myself from my most favorite room in my home. My bedroom. What does one do when they can't even relax in their own bed? My arms feel as though they are relying on rusty hinges to navigate and accomplish simple everyday tasks. The shooting pains that accompany these movements reminds me of modern jazz with less then eloquent crashing symbals periodically thru without any precursor or climax to the song. At times they weigh heavily on my shoulders and then I briefly think of how easy my life would be without arms, legs, hands... They do allow me to complete many tasks but the pain outweighs the usefulness sometimes. So I sit. I can tell that the length of this blog post will soon follow tightened and seemingly arthritic fingers. Do I still type? Do I still

Well, I have but 2 fingers and 2 thumbs that I am able to use with minimal pain now so typing this is very difficult and time consuming. First finger on each hand and the thumbs are the only ones with movement now. This could change at practically any time. It's situations like these that I call whatever I have "stupid" pain. Just no sence in it. I have nothing to call my condition. Either it has a name and no one has formally introduced us, or it chooses to remain nameless... For now. I know your asking yourselves, "Why be so dramatic, is it really THAT bad?" Yeah, it's that bad, and the blogging seems to be my Snickers of the day. It's tiding me over until the main course gets prepared.

Ugh! I feel the hurt in my bones! I set up the sandbox yesterday for the boys. We got 200lbs of sand, 4 bags at 50lbs each. I actually thought that I wasn't going to hurt today. I was pretty surprised that I was able to move so well after I got them all set up, ripped open and poured out. My hands are pretty sore in all the joints/hinges as if I was holding on to something for dear life for hours. My fingers also feel like If you had too much flesh around the bone. Plump. Almost not able to close my hands. My lower back from bending over to lift/pour, and my knees have the feeling of something on fire under the kneecap on both knees. Just overall stiff. Just so sad... And stupid.

My pain is pretty manageable today. I did have an issue with my right shoulder. We were walking into Home Depot to pick up some sand for our children's sand box. Before we ever got to the isle... hell, even before we walked into the second set of doors of the store my shoulder started hurting. No stumbling into or hitting anything previous. I had grabbed a nearby scooter and made my way inside. For about 3 or 4 seconds only, I had a pain as though my shoulder had come out of it's socket. That kind of pain would have stopped me mid scoot, sad what you can get used to. The pain subsided about as fast as it started with just the "normal" aches and pains I usually have. It's really stupid. The pains that come and go almost have ME wondering sometimes if all this isn't in my head. I have had a lot of times where I felt like there was something wrong with me mentally and NOT physically. I guess anyone that goes thru this kind of consistent undiagnosed has to at some