Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

I try to remember what it's like to be free. Barefoot on grass... to dig my feet into the soil and feel as though I could take off. To generate my own wind just by the force my body made going forward. To run. I used to love it. The sound that the world made as I ran across it seemed less complicated. Less harsh.      Welcome to the first day of Summer. Another season has come and gone. Another season that I wasn't able to truly enjoy. Yes, I know... It's all about what you make of it... And It could always be worse... Oh, and let's not forget, GET OVER IT ALREADY! Yeah... I hear ya. I wish I could get over it. I don't know... Let me see what you would do in this scenario. I might be missing something:  Out of a full 60 seconds, your body parts ache for 44 of them. Let's say that this goes on every minute of every day. Let's say that painful tremors/spasms happen in your legs, arms, fingers, toes, neck, and back at least 5 times every 20 or 30 minutes. Now,

I layed the blanket over my youngest, snoring away. My mind reminded me of before, when there were no children. 10 years ago I was worried about how my life would turn out. Looking down at these kids I now worry how their lives will turn out. I am no longer just in charge of MY own well being, but that of two children who look up to me and my wife for guidance with everything I never had growing up. I never thought that I would have the most important job a man could have. Being a Father.      I know, I'm sappy at times. I do have a direction with this post though. I bring up the subject of my kids, and yes... This is a pain journal... I worry. I worry every damn day of my life. Whenever they fall down a tiny part of me thinks that its because of me. My medical issues. I then try to reassure myself that they will be OK. Its in my head, I mean... Kids fall. They are clumsy, and awkward. They are still getting to know their body's center of gravity. All these things are running

So SSD (Social Security Disability) called me today. I had sent in paperwork to them recently. She asked me a few questions so she could get my paperwork filed to the medical department. She states that if I go back to work, work a regular 40 hour work week and are making more then 1000.00 a month, then SSD will look at that as I am all better and that is where my paperwork will stop. WTF?!  How am I supposed to provide for my family? Push my body to the point where I shouldn't push any more?      So I guess I wait, and work my crippled ass off in the meantime. I had to swallow a lot of pride to get that paperwork sent off in the first place. Its just like me walking with my cane for the first time. I remember walking into a store and thought I could feel everyone looking at me... In a disappointed stare. Like I was 6 years old and disappointed my mother for the first time. The feeling was in the pit of my stomach. Some people don't understand that when one is used to doing ev

     I must have been a bad person in this or one of my past lives. Sure. I have done things I am not happy for. Things I regret, but I don't remember doing any unspeakable acts to constitute living every second of every day in agony. I know that sounds a bit extreme but its the truth. Just moving my head in a direction that is every bit normal as the anatomy will allow, I wince in pain.      Fingers, shoulders, hips, toes, neck, ankles, wrists, you name it. I am really starting to believe that I am a horrible person. I have lost a lot of confidence with my condition, and I am supposed to be taking care of my family as best I can. That is a very hard thing to do. Especially beings as I feel like shit on a daily basis. Maybe someone I have come across on my life path thinks I deserve what I am getting or maybe it is just the deck I was given. Either way I am sorry. I have learned my lesson. Can I have my life back now, Karma?

     I woke up and about fell over. My hips, mostly my left, hurting pretty @!$# bad. I don't remember doing anything to cause it the day before, I did however mow the lawn today which is probably why I am laying in bed now.      No swelling, as usual. Sometimes I wish I would swell up! I would then be able to have something to SHOW the doctors. Too many times have I hobbled into a doctors office and complained of pain. I get this same look all the time. The look. The -oh, its someone else who wants a shot or pills- look. I don't like pills. I don't like shots. I just hate classifications that we give people.

     Hey. It's me again. Yeah, THAT guy. I was reading over some of my blog posts and about fell asleep and died from boredom, all at the same time. PARTY FOUL! Each post was this hurt and that hurts. No oomf. No... me. Granted its a little after one in the morning as you can judge by the time stamp. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I am just writing from the stream of conscience. Whatever pops into my head. I can always delete this post tomorrow, right? I mean, who really wants to read the words of an obviously physically impaired person. It's not "good" reading. Lame... pardon the pun.      So I have the official Blogger app on my phone so I can now bore everyone with my ramblings at a much more consistent pace. My wife is laying beside me right now. I see her face by the digital light from my phone. A geek somewhere just sighed.      Man... She is beautiful. Outside and in. I don't think I have met a more compassionate person in all my life. She not only is t

Ok, so I was laying in my bed last night when I tried to scoot up onto my pillow more and then stopped, I  remember laying back down more slowly as when I got up. I couldn't move. It was like I was stuck in a trance. Couldn't look around either. I just... layed there. The tv was on, My wife was sitting next to me doing something so her attention wasn't focused on me. I couldn't even mouth an audible sound let alone create one. My dog Trooper gently walked up on my chest and licked me 3 times... on the 3rd lick I was able to open my eyes and look around and then was fine. I never have been caught in my own body like that. It was like my soul forgot how to control my body and had to Google it or something.