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Showing posts from 2012

Peaceful Groceries

Post after post. Story after story. Word after word... it all seems so mechanical anymore. The aching on the outside outshines the turmoil on the inside. For so long I have dealt with all the idiocracies my body gives me.  I see people over twice my age walk faster, some with an almost spring in their step. I am tired of feeling broken all the time. I want to be able to walk like a 38 year old man then shuffle like a 65 year old fool. Sadly I can't. I try to go without using my cane and wind up hurting more after because I "caused" my body to bend the way it has problems bending without assistance. Working out only causes more pain. Therapy? Sure... give it to me. If I can lay in bed and hurt myself, therapy isn't a viable option. I am a father... at times though it seems this role are getting harder and harder to take on... but I won't fail. I refuse to. I grew up without really having a father figure. I had two best friends that were like my dad... but they w

Happy Electric Holiday

Happy 4th Of July everyone! I am hoping that today will be a good day. My body feels different though. It feels like I have several balls of electricity bouncing around inside. My muscles will jolt here and there. Sometimes in my fingers making me type the wrong letters on the iPad, and having to backspace a LOT causing this entry to take a lot longer to type then it normally would. I am really hoping that today will go smoothly and I won't bring any attention to myself. I crack jokes here and there and like to be the funny one... Just don't want my body to be the reason people notice or remember me. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Dose 2

Today started like any other day. Woke up feeling sick with a head and body ache. Got meds on board and felt about the same. I was prescribed neurotin and since I started it, the shakes in my body have lessened dramatically. Today, tremors showed themselves mostly in my fingers and legs. I had ibuprofen and excederine, as well as Methocarbomol to try and stop the shakes. I also took, for the first time, a SECOND dose of Neurontin. I had so many muscle spasms that by the time my body stopped moving, my pain was very noticeable. If I get a dosage raise... There is only so much you can be prescribed. What do I do if I am already at the max? Too much will start hallucinations. That is all I need. I already see spots that aren't there...

My Thought Process

I see this Blogger application on my phone, day after day I swipe past it and wonder if the next post could somehow alter my course in life. Maybe a bout of clarity that wasn't present before would make itself available to me and then I could explain in a better detail what my body really feels and acts like. I waste a ton of time trying to suppress my anger, but a lot still shows itself. I am far from being a violent man but I can see how some outside influences can dictate a persons actions. Sometimes I feel myself slipping away and it takes more and more to pull me back. I actually daydream of being in a horrible accident and not able to feel anything from the neck down. Wow, that is the first time I thought that out loud. That was something that not even my family knew... until just now. Of course I then realize that hugging the ones I loved would be impossible. Holding my wife. Teaching my kids... All of that would be gone. I get mad at myself a lot when I start wondering ab

Calm

The dust has began to settle. My family has fortunately found a home and the unpacking is almost done. New shelves for our old nick-nacks are starting to be wiped down and ready for display. The living room is getting pulled together to hopefully hold a lot of family and friends conversations, and hopefully a few laughs.      We lost our home, and many items we had to leave behind... but we somehow gained something that we never knew we were lacking... and for the life of me I can't place what IT is. This house feels different somehow. Like its a starting block for the steps I somehow missed before. Perhaps this feeling will perpetuate to my world of aches and pain and give me the overall calm my body is looking for.