Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

Please help This is going to sound both desperate and crazy but I have to try anything and everything that I can. I am the dad of two small boys as well as a husband. We recently were told that we have to vacate our home by the 2nd of December 2011. We have no income due to a medical issue that I have. I have some type of rare neuro muscular condition or a form of Muscular Dystrophy left undiagnosed. I have not been able to make the mortgage payments in a timely manner and our home has already went to a sheriffs sale on the 3rd of November. We have until the 2nd of December to come up with about 60 thousand dollars to be able to stay in the home and save it. This past year has been so hard on all of us financially as well as spiritually. We are getting my oldest tested for Autism and I really feel that this move would be a negative experience for him. Sorry. I just re-read what I have so far... It sounds horrible but i just cant let this go. There has to be something else that I can

Here it is... crunch time. I have exactly 6 days to raise about 60 grand, yeah, it IS possible but very unlikely. If I raise the funds I get to keep my home, if not, well... you know the rest. If I could get my hands on 650 bucks then there is a company that specializes in getting people with foreclosed homes time to live in the property so they can figure out what to do. A minimum of 30 days to 7 months or more,  http://www.plnevictiondefense.com  seems like exactly what I have been looking for but sadly this doesn't seem like a possibility either due to lack of funding. I start training back at Convergys on the 5th. I used to work there previously. 7 1/2 years total time. A lot of people ask me WHY GO BACK? Well, it just makes sense. Before I had the job we really didn't have a whole lot. I started at Convergys and was approved for a home... everything else just seemed to fall into place. 2 children, wife... Now everything is crazy. No money, no home... I went to get my cla

Pardon my emotions on this one. They will be scattered various places. Man. Where do I start? ... I am usually a pretty private person but I need to release some guilt/stress or I will explode on people who dont deserve it. Ok, here I go... I feel as though I am a horrible father. God that sentence hurts. One of the very few things I have prided myself on is being a good dad. I have failed. Failed both my boys, as well as their mother. We are soon without a home, because I, the "provider" could not provide. Due to medical issues I could not make our mortgage payments... and now we have until the 2nd of December to vacate. Yes, I am a horrible father... I have taken the foundation out from my families feet and have replaced it with uncertainty... and did so at the worse time of the year. As I re-read what I typed up just now, I thought seeing it in print would possibly lead me to clarify of thought... You know, like sometimes in movies where the unlikely hero just captures

          I think that lately I have been far too focused on the negative aspects of my life.They always seem to outweigh the good by such a hefty margin.           To help me remember what I was put on this earth to do, to seek and replenish the strength I have lost, and to reafirm that all my actions are not perfect but well intended... 30 minutes each day I will sit in silience. 1800 seconds void of all intentional thought processes. All social interaction (including electronic means) will be silienced. I will be simply disconnected. I hope that within this thirty day period, I may find the clarity I can't seem to find anywhere else.           I know, you are asking yourself... why? My reply is... why not?

Reading my last entry where I talk about looking at other peoples legs and how they move has really consumed me. I hope I don't secretly resent people because they are able to move without pain and I can't. I had a dream last night and the only thing I dreamt about was being able to move as naturally as ever. I was walking down a fire escape in between 2 close buildings. It had just rained because I remember the droplets falling periodically between the metal grating of the steps to an old empty dumpster below. Everything was in slow motion. The droplets that fell sounded as small bass drums when landing on the metal and plastic below. My cane lay at the very bottom on its side, the name Kasaundra etched in the wood was barely visible with the small pool forming underneath. Not sure if I was walking down to get the cane or just walking down but I know that there was no urgency to my steps. No thought process. It was just step after slow step. T

          I don't even know what to type. Sitting at work with my back to my coworkers for fear of interaction. I hate this. I am supposed to be a people person but I just can't do it... not today. I feel like everyone is watching me and just feeling sorry for me. "Poor Mark, can't even walk a straight line with his cane." I bet they think I am faking it. Hell, if I was, you would have to give me an A+ for consistency.  Over 5 years and getting worse day by fucking day.           I now look at peoples legs and how they are able to move so freely and without the least resistance.           I used to like running. I ran a lot. Its like I could leave the world behind and with each thundrous extension of my leg, the pain seemed worth it. I thought that people ran with pain all the time. The more they ran, the further away from the pain they were. Pain was just sitting back, ghosting my every move. Waiting to turn up the heat... so I can't run away. He is beating