Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

      Still waiting for my referral from the doctors about my surgery. It is going to be a long time to wait and even a longer recovery time once it happens. Scared? Yeah. First time under the knife, first time being REALLY partially immobile. Used to do stuff for myself. People bend over backwards to open doors for me when they see me coming and although I really appreciate it, it makes me feel disconnected from myself. Its weird. The gratitude I have is very real but there is always something in the back of my mind that says, "I should be helping them." I want so much to be helpful and make an impact in people. I feel broken in that respect. I want my kids to grow up and know how to treat people and feel empowered to keep doing it without any reward back other then that feeling and they did something they didn't have to do, or just go that extra distance.      Love one another. That isn't hard to do you would think. People still have issues with negative stigmas tho

Well, it turns out that I will be needing surgery on both shoulders. I have 2 torn rotator cuffs. The left is way worse than the right. This is going to be quite an ordeal because I use my right arm with a Canadian crutch. There will be no way to walk around if I put my right arm in a sling. Kinda freaking out. I also have never had surgery before. I will have to figure something out, I will have to. Surgery isn't scheduled yet, waiting for referrals. More to come later...

Lately my right let has been going so fast as I am sitting still. It started not too long ago. Its like I cant turn it off like someone that is very antsy. Don't know what that is all about. I have a doctors apt tomorrow to go over my neck and shoulders MRI. They told me with x-rays that my neck has severe arthritis. I will post more tomorrow once I find out more. Till then... 

Today Is a standard day with the occasional accompanying body shakes. Feeling of vibration on my thighs and fingers mostly. Its like I have a device on vibrate in my pocket. My fingers are now so twitchy that it is taking longer to type this short post. Nothing consumed that would be able to effect me this way. Again a loss. No rhyme no reason. Docs know that its genetic. I have hyper mobility as well but no swelling of the joints so the friggin docs are scratching their heads. I am just so utterly lost and confused. I have some characteristics of one condition and some from another and another.... and another. If I could just transfer my pain, channel it to the doctors then perhaps they would understand what life is like in my body. Sometimes I wish that I could just float above myself without a inch of pain or discomfort. 20 seconds. Its all I ask. 20 seconds of life. Without my body holding me back. People tell me to try and go on disability but was already denied once a few years b

Took a nap too early. Everyone is obviously asleep. Hip and shoulder pain severe. Can't get comfortable within myself. Nothing to take for the pain like always. Full day tomorrow. Grin and bear through it.

So I went to a rheumatoid specialist and I apparently have a genetic disorder. Meaning... not fixable. So I will be awaiting the results of the tests. Will post when I find out. Feeling very downward spiral-ish.

I almost fell asleep watching my right hand. It started as a kind of twitch. I felt it but couldn't see it move. After a few painful "twitches" it then started to physically move. My two middle fingers at first. They were moving side to side instead of the way someone would grasp something or make a fist. Pulses. Then my pinkie. Without consciously flexing a muscle my hand was almost flapping to gain flight. For about 12 seconds...  and it was gone. That's it. The only thing that remained were extremely sore muscles. I wished that i could call it a standard run of the mill spasm but, i cant. It felt like something different. Something was off. I really don't understand my body sometimes. No one does it seems. I haven't had a muscle flutter quite like this one. It is physically hard to type this post after experienced something like that. Nothing has changed in my diet, I ate no new foods or drink. No consumption of alcohol or drugs... nothing different than a