Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

My current mode of transportation.  Whatever I see whenever I look down.  This doesn't define me because I won't let it. 

I recently graduated from using a cane for 8 or 9 years to using a Canadian Crutch (just one). My body is quite sore trying to get used to the added weight and movement.  After asking someone that has had to use one for about 15 years it's to be expected. Had to swallow a lot of pride to just use the cane but going to the crutch is even more daunting. More noticeable, louder, and mechanical. I hate it because I see the different looks people give me. More people open doors for me and just overall looks of sadness. I HATE IT! I have just got to come to grips with it though. Show people I function still. Don't get me wrong, people are great but I am capable of most things and just don't want to be labeled. Some would love all the help and I DO appreciate it... but I provide for my family and want to be able to do stuff on my own. -- someone just posted this on my face book and it helped to have a different perspective other then that Which was drenched in male pride. "

I have a job finally. It isn't the greatest and demands physical exertion but anything at this point is welcomed. Stocking shelves. I get to work with the general public so that is a plus seeings how I am a people person.. Still looking for a better job but obviously the 2 week rule will be in effect. My family and I really are appreciative to the people we are staying with. Been rough but I see light at the end of the tunnel. I have stopped using the cane all together unless the weather gets me but I am very proud of the way I have conditioned myself. I still feel pain but biting through is getting easier at times. More to come later... Wish me luck!

I have been trying to walk as much as possible without my cane and forcing myself to not rely on it so much. I have noticed that it is getting increasingly harder to NOT use it though. I feel great when I don’t use it. Its like not having to rely on artificial means to get around but not sure how much damage I am doing. I have realized that I am causing my body to work harder than it would and end up just hurting more later on. I also try to use the stairs instead of the elevator whenever possible. Should I just swallow my pride keep pushing my body and hope the pain goes away or do I just say screw it, take a hit and use it and get over my issues about using it?

I have lost 12 lbs so far do to stress. Just not hungry anymore it seems. I am not taking any or less medications then what I was prescribed. No vitamins or supplements. My pants hang on me, and I get these horrible shooting pains in the front and back of my head that usually makes its way to the back of my eyes to the point that whenever I move my eyes to focus on anything the pain increases. Yeah, you are probably right, I need to eat more, start taking vitamins and... lol exercise lol.  I am still very thankful for the health I have because, as they all say- It could be much worse.