Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

Pardon the crudity of this post. My body is pissing me off. Whenever you go to a pain management doctor, they always ask you the same question. What is your pain like today on a scale between 1 to 10 with 10. I always reserve the 9 and 10. There are times where I want to say 11 but of course, I don't. I go in on my 7 and 8 on really bad days. Seeings how the 9 and 10 should be reserved for those who really deserve it. Cancer, brain tumor, car crash or other atrocities. I wouldn't feel right using 9 or 10. Those are reserved for them. So as it stands, I take two pain medications. One for actual pain and a muscle relaxant that might as well be the same as drinking a grass of water. My muscle spasms occur whenever they want. I'll be speaking to my kids and I will get a "flutter" in my hand and quickly use the other hand or nod. I don't want to pass any "maybe I got it too" type of thinking to them. They are impressionable. My m...

I was getting groceries out of our minivan and carried them into the house. There were quite a few but I make it a point to get them all and not make another trip back outside. Got them in the house and then sat down in my chair in our bedroom and my left arm felt really funny. Not heart attack funny. Different than what is usual for me. I looked down and it was shaking like a parkinson patient. My other arm started doing the same thing but not as much. My first thought was muscle exhaustion. But I have had that before, this felt completely different. It lasted for a long time. I took 3 prescribed muscle relaxants an hour prior. Had to take a 4th one which made me feel drugged. I am prescribed 6 a day. 3 at a time so this isn’t odd for me to take that amount. I fell asleep. Woke up feeling really groggy and everything was swaying. Extremely odd. I was still shaking just not as badly as I was before. I haven't posted anything in awhile. Probably because looking back on...

My muscles are in a constant state of flex. My body is failing me and its getting harder and harder to move. I mean, come on. Something has got to give. Either diagnose me or hell, I don't know! I a, just ranting. Thought I would get my thoughts out here to get some kind of normalcy back. Blogging is supposed to be therapeutic. I still feel like a freak though, sometimes I feel ok, other times I feel so enflamed in my joints. No rhyme or reason. Checked my diet, had blood panels done (a while ago). They ruled out the common ones like arthritis, MS, MD. All I know is that I have what is called Hyper Mobility. Basically all my joints are more elastic than what they should be. That and two torn rotator cuffs. I still get tremors and dizziness. I try to walk without my crutch or my cane and I can usually. I have fallen several times at home trying to not use them. I am getting better at it but it wears me out. I see these 40, 50, 60 year olds walk without needing anything. Some ev...

      Still waiting for my referral from the doctors about my surgery. It is going to be a long time to wait and even a longer recovery time once it happens. Scared? Yeah. First time under the knife, first time being REALLY partially immobile. Used to do stuff for myself. People bend over backwards to open doors for me when they see me coming and although I really appreciate it, it makes me feel disconnected from myself. Its weird. The gratitude I have is very real but there is always something in the back of my mind that says, "I should be helping them." I want so much to be helpful and make an impact in people. I feel broken in that respect. I want my kids to grow up and know how to treat people and feel empowered to keep doing it without any reward back other then that feeling and they did something they didn't have to do, or just go that extra distance.      Love one another. That isn't hard to do you would think. People still have i...

Well, it turns out that I will be needing surgery on both shoulders. I have 2 torn rotator cuffs. The left is way worse than the right. This is going to be quite an ordeal because I use my right arm with a Canadian crutch. There will be no way to walk around if I put my right arm in a sling. Kinda freaking out. I also have never had surgery before. I will have to figure something out, I will have to. Surgery isn't scheduled yet, waiting for referrals. More to come later...

Lately my right let has been going so fast as I am sitting still. It started not too long ago. Its like I cant turn it off like someone that is very antsy. Don't know what that is all about. I have a doctors apt tomorrow to go over my neck and shoulders MRI. They told me with x-rays that my neck has severe arthritis. I will post more tomorrow once I find out more. Till then... 

Today Is a standard day with the occasional accompanying body shakes. Feeling of vibration on my thighs and fingers mostly. Its like I have a device on vibrate in my pocket. My fingers are now so twitchy that it is taking longer to type this short post. Nothing consumed that would be able to effect me this way. Again a loss. No rhyme no reason. Docs know that its genetic. I have hyper mobility as well but no swelling of the joints so the friggin docs are scratching their heads. I am just so utterly lost and confused. I have some characteristics of one condition and some from another and another.... and another. If I could just transfer my pain, channel it to the doctors then perhaps they would understand what life is like in my body. Sometimes I wish that I could just float above myself without a inch of pain or discomfort. 20 seconds. Its all I ask. 20 seconds of life. Without my body holding me back. People tell me to try and go on disability but was already denied once a fe...