Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

          Ok. On top of all the pain and ailments that I have already, sleeplessness has to be a bitch too.           I know that lack of sleep can be quite a nuisance so this post will be short due to hands cramping up and the light from my phone might be bothering my wife.           I will be making a page for all of my issues complete with images. Be looking for that later. Good night, I hope.

(Saved At 12:44 pm) Here I sit, at work, looking at everyone interact with one another. When I was in training class for this job, I was told that I was or acted like a loner. I told my wife and she agreed with them. I never really thought of myself as a loner but I guess that is what I am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE people. You can't feel inspired totally unless you include the human condition and all that it has to offer. Why am I a loner? I don't know. Perhaps it is because i feel inadequate. Who wants to be surrounded by people that are smarter, better looking, and on a better train of life then you are. Yes, I know what you are saying or thinking. There is no one that knows for sure if they are better off. There is no one to say that you are diminutive to them but yourself. Your seeing my negative self outlook, assuming that I had issues at home when I was a child. Yes, correct, but this isn't about then, it's about now. I have created my own sys...

It's weird. You would think that you would know your body pretty well as it is something you see and feel every day of your life. I looked down recently due to some pain I had, and noticed that my hands were very ... Un-natural. My pinkys are starting to almost grow away from the rest of my fingers. As you can see by the 3 recent photos in this post, some of my other fingers get locked in place. My fingers though are extremely strong. Almost too strong. I can't even tickle my children because I wind up hurting them. I have to really focus on my hands when I hold a glass or cup, some days I can feel my hands grip too strong that I might break the cup... And other days I feel as though that glass could slip right out of my grasp. I have to hold the glass with my pinky underneath so I won't drop it. Whatever I have is very inconsistent. I wish that there was a path my body would follow rather then bouncing around from one extreme to the other.

          Woke up this AM with a pain I sadly have felt before. Do you ever remember taking string and wrapping it around your finger to see it change color and temperature? It feels like someone wrapped string around my waist and the full lower half of my body is absolutely throbbing. No color changes thank gosh but the constant waves of uncontrollable pain is just so much that I can't get out of bed. I feel very sad for my wife to have to hear me crying, knowing she wasn't able to fix anything. I think its frustrating for both sides. Me for feeling the pain 24-7 and for her having to not only listen to me wimper and groan, but to feel that helplessness for not being able to help me.           I just took two Lortab 10s to try to take the edge off. I hate taking pills, I just HATE them, any kind of medication really. I have been prescribed so many things throughout the years, I am staggered I don...

If one knee hurts a person, they usually use the other leg more to compensate. If both hurt, it's almost impossible to walk. The last few days have been hard. Not sure if it is the weather change or what but both knees are so sore that I can barely walk. I sat in class for a while with both legs up on a chair, but with all my other aches and pains I had to cycle different ways to sit. After a while my hips felt like they were on fire. My muscles were pulsating in my neck causing the head to shake. I don't think anyone noticed because I usually can hide them pretty well. I learned from Michael J. fox that if you stand stationary, anyone can see the shakes. If you move with them, they don't see them as strong. So... That is what I do. It hurts to move but to look normal, I have to move. We all strive to be normal, whatever that is.

I try to remember what it's like to be free. Barefoot on grass... to dig my feet into the soil and feel as though I could take off. To generate my own wind just by the force my body made going forward. To run. I used to love it. The sound that the world made as I ran across it seemed less complicated. Less harsh.      Welcome to the first day of Summer. Another season has come and gone. Another season that I wasn't able to truly enjoy. Yes, I know... It's all about what you make of it... And It could always be worse... Oh, and let's not forget, GET OVER IT ALREADY! Yeah... I hear ya. I wish I could get over it. I don't know... Let me see what you would do in this scenario. I might be missing something:  Out of a full 60 seconds, your body parts ache for 44 of them. Let's say that this goes on every minute of every day. Let's say that painful tremors/spasms happen in your legs, arms, fingers, toes, neck, and back at least 5 times every 20 or 30 minutes. Now,...

I layed the blanket over my youngest, snoring away. My mind reminded me of before, when there were no children. 10 years ago I was worried about how my life would turn out. Looking down at these kids I now worry how their lives will turn out. I am no longer just in charge of MY own well being, but that of two children who look up to me and my wife for guidance with everything I never had growing up. I never thought that I would have the most important job a man could have. Being a Father.      I know, I'm sappy at times. I do have a direction with this post though. I bring up the subject of my kids, and yes... This is a pain journal... I worry. I worry every damn day of my life. Whenever they fall down a tiny part of me thinks that its because of me. My medical issues. I then try to reassure myself that they will be OK. Its in my head, I mean... Kids fall. They are clumsy, and awkward. They are still getting to know their body's center of gravity. All these things a...