Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

So SSD (Social Security Disability) called me today. I had sent in paperwork to them recently. She asked me a few questions so she could get my paperwork filed to the medical department. She states that if I go back to work, work a regular 40 hour work week and are making more then 1000.00 a month, then SSD will look at that as I am all better and that is where my paperwork will stop. WTF?!  How am I supposed to provide for my family? Push my body to the point where I shouldn't push any more?      So I guess I wait, and work my crippled ass off in the meantime. I had to swallow a lot of pride to get that paperwork sent off in the first place. Its just like me walking with my cane for the first time. I remember walking into a store and thought I could feel everyone looking at me... In a disappointed stare. Like I was 6 years old and disappointed my mother for the first time. The feeling was in the pit of my stomach. Some people don't understand that when one is ...

     I must have been a bad person in this or one of my past lives. Sure. I have done things I am not happy for. Things I regret, but I don't remember doing any unspeakable acts to constitute living every second of every day in agony. I know that sounds a bit extreme but its the truth. Just moving my head in a direction that is every bit normal as the anatomy will allow, I wince in pain.      Fingers, shoulders, hips, toes, neck, ankles, wrists, you name it. I am really starting to believe that I am a horrible person. I have lost a lot of confidence with my condition, and I am supposed to be taking care of my family as best I can. That is a very hard thing to do. Especially beings as I feel like shit on a daily basis. Maybe someone I have come across on my life path thinks I deserve what I am getting or maybe it is just the deck I was given. Either way I am sorry. I have learned my lesson. Can I have my life back now, Karma?

     I woke up and about fell over. My hips, mostly my left, hurting pretty @!$# bad. I don't remember doing anything to cause it the day before, I did however mow the lawn today which is probably why I am laying in bed now.      No swelling, as usual. Sometimes I wish I would swell up! I would then be able to have something to SHOW the doctors. Too many times have I hobbled into a doctors office and complained of pain. I get this same look all the time. The look. The -oh, its someone else who wants a shot or pills- look. I don't like pills. I don't like shots. I just hate classifications that we give people.

     Hey. It's me again. Yeah, THAT guy. I was reading over some of my blog posts and about fell asleep and died from boredom, all at the same time. PARTY FOUL! Each post was this hurt and that hurts. No oomf. No... me. Granted its a little after one in the morning as you can judge by the time stamp. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I am just writing from the stream of conscience. Whatever pops into my head. I can always delete this post tomorrow, right? I mean, who really wants to read the words of an obviously physically impaired person. It's not "good" reading. Lame... pardon the pun.      So I have the official Blogger app on my phone so I can now bore everyone with my ramblings at a much more consistent pace. My wife is laying beside me right now. I see her face by the digital light from my phone. A geek somewhere just sighed.      Man... She is beautiful. Outside and in. I don't think I have met a more compassionate person ...

Ok, so I was laying in my bed last night when I tried to scoot up onto my pillow more and then stopped, I  remember laying back down more slowly as when I got up. I couldn't move. It was like I was stuck in a trance. Couldn't look around either. I just... layed there. The tv was on, My wife was sitting next to me doing something so her attention wasn't focused on me. I couldn't even mouth an audible sound let alone create one. My dog Trooper gently walked up on my chest and licked me 3 times... on the 3rd lick I was able to open my eyes and look around and then was fine. I never have been caught in my own body like that. It was like my soul forgot how to control my body and had to Google it or something.

Laying on my left side in bed because my right side is throbbing. I have to continuously move from my left to my back, then to my right. After that I start the process over. Its also my sleep routine. It's probably one reason I don't feel rested or relaxed when I wake up. If only there was a pill that would turn off my muscles, it would be incredible. I know what your thinking... They DO make a pill that does that... I have taken so many different drugs to do just that with no success. Not sure why but today reminds me of A time where I was exceptionally jerky. My muscles were just insane. I had to go to the ER due to constant involuntary muscle spasms and pain all over. I couldn't walk because the muscles would contract and release at random times. I heard a doctor tell another doctor, "I have never felt muscles move that way." They had to give me Ativan to calm them down. They give 1 shot of Ativan for people that have Grand Mal Seizures. They gave me 2 shots be...

I swear I remind myself of Katherine Hepburn at times. Thank god my head nods aren't that pronounced or constant. We were in Choctaw, Oklahoma at my wife's mothers today. She had mentioned that she saw my head bob quite a bit while we were having dinner. Her mother knows a little about my condition, but this was the first time that someone ever drew my attention to it. I am almost used to it. Used to the misery. It's really sad that anyone could get used to something so painful. decaf. Not that I consume large amounts of "caf" anyways but my wife wanted me to try to remove it as to rule out the cause of the recent increased tremors and muscle spasms I have experienced. If this doesn't change anything, my dosage of Neurontin may have to be adjusted. I take 1200mg a day, and am skeptical of any more dosage upgrades. What does someone do when the increase of the meds doesn't stop the tremors? I would just shake. Shake so everyone can see me... just by a gla...