The Diner Scene

The amount of anxiety is absolutely staggering. Everything feels like it is closing in and piling up and I don't have a way out. Depression is a horrible thing for so many people. I know that if I can just get a handle on what it is that I have, to be diagnosed... things would be so much better. I would know then. Not knowing is so much harder to take... perhaps it WOULD be different if I did know, hell I haven't an idea. I am just grasping at straws at this point.

I haven't posted on this blog in a while because it just started to seem whiny. Like a four year old wanting candy for dinner. Relentless. Just so hard. I was thinking about deleting this whole blog and not starting over. Not having a pain blog would be my way to say I have no pain. Again, grasping at straws.

If I could just release and relax... it would be so much easier. No, I am not open to drugs unless they are prescribed. Just how I am. Now if they legalize I would try. But that is probably not something I will see anytime soon.

Muscles in the constant state of flex, rigid. Always hyper aware of what is usually not focused on. All the time, feeling that. Not able to say fuck it and walk away because your illness won't allow you to. So hard to describe. I am probably not making any sense at all. Something from my brain to my fingertips are not wired correctly. Either that or the words just won't come to me. Straws.

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