Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

This blog entry was created using just my voice. Some sentences might be odd. But I'm posting it as is. It helps me think by speaking. I'm not a negative person, but some experiences have left me feeling negative. and I hate it. I hate taking medication for what I have. I hate taking medication. To be anxious all the time and worry• about everything is a full-time job. To be able to relax would be awesome, it's been so long that I've forgotten what being relaxed feels like. I hurt all the time and I worry about that. I worry all the time and I worry about that. I have children and of course I worry about them. Relationships, worry. Money, worry. Every aspect of my life is one big worry fest.

For some reason both my feet, calves, and right knee are swollen. Feels like I hyper extended my knee but I don't remember doing it. I have compression socks on and also a foot stool and it still hurts. Bah!

The amount of anxiety is absolutely staggering. Everything feels like it is closing in and piling up and I don't have a way out. Depression is a horrible thing for so many people. I know that if I can just get a handle on what it is that I have, to be diagnosed... things would be so much better. I would know then. Not knowing is so much harder to take... perhaps it WOULD be different if I did know, hell I haven't an idea. I am just grasping at straws at this point. I haven't posted on this blog in a while because it just started to seem whiny. Like a four year old wanting candy for dinner. Relentless. Just so hard. I was thinking about deleting this whole blog and not starting over. Not having a pain blog would be my way to say I have no pain. Again, grasping at straws. If I could just release and relax... it would be so much easier. No, I am not open to drugs unless they are prescribed. Just how I am. Now if they legalize I would try. But that is probably not something...

On top of the other pains I now have the flu or just getting over the flu. Boy being a grown-up blows. My body aches are x's 10 today for sure. More to come tomorrow...

Been a while since I have posted anything. The pain is still there but it is what it is. There. I am at a stalemate and its time to dust off the game board and set the pieces back up. I have conditioned myself to walk without a crutch now. I limp slightly (I think) from time to time. I am fed up more than anything. I wish it wasn't a consistent type of pain... but nevertheless I write it down, look back on it and SOMETIMES laugh. I have to. I am not crying, I refuse to do that. Not feeling sorry for myself. Its the hand I was dealt and I plan on playing the game until its over. I know that last part was a bit melodramatic. Its a blog people... I have to spice it up with a little literary flare. It I don't it might as well be a bunch of sad words strung together and I wouldn't even want to read that. ... more later.

My back is still on fire. Lower back. I have been trying to loosen it up but it becomes more and more unbearable as time progresses. Even hurts when I take a deep breath. I go to the pain management doc on the 5th so we will see.

Well I have done it now. Hurt my back. Got a little over zealous while cleaning and arranging the boys room yesterday. I didn't know it had happened until the next day. I have the option of dealing with it or dealing with it. Think I shall do the manly duty and just deal with it. I noticed that my pain blog has a lot of poor me's in the passages. I read a few of them and just thought, "Geesh why don't this guy just get over it already?" So I from now like my other blog, which can be found here , I will try my best to not let it sound so "oh poor me." I think I can get that point across while not sounding like a complete douche. So to my back. On a scale from 1 thru to 10, I will rate it on the Pain Geek-O-Meter (because I am a huge geek if I haven't mentioned it before) I would call it an 8-Not even wanting to go to Best Buy with fifty bucks kinda 8. That is a huge deal. I think it is mostly my lower back. I can't sit in...

No Wifi so I have textedit opened to transfer to my blog once wifi becomes available. Here I sit in the doctors office waiting room. Waiting. This is just your typical, I need refills so I need to see the doctor type visit. I wonder if there will ever be a time where instead of pills, someone says, “Hey, here is a thought… lets find out the source of the pain rather than throwing pills at it to see what sticks?” I am not a big pill taker. I don’t like it. Having to set my mood by a clock doesn’t seem right to me. To let a plastic vessel containing capsules that dictate my outlook of the day is a horrible thing, but many live their lives in this way. I have learned to adapt as well. I just wished that I knew what kind of condition I have rather than just living with it. Just got my paperwork and am waiting to go back to see the doctor. They have a chart of a person, front and back. They want you to circle what you were having issues with. I circled Neck, both should...

Pardon the crudity of this post. My body is pissing me off. Whenever you go to a pain management doctor, they always ask you the same question. What is your pain like today on a scale between 1 to 10 with 10. I always reserve the 9 and 10. There are times where I want to say 11 but of course, I don't. I go in on my 7 and 8 on really bad days. Seeings how the 9 and 10 should be reserved for those who really deserve it. Cancer, brain tumor, car crash or other atrocities. I wouldn't feel right using 9 or 10. Those are reserved for them. So as it stands, I take two pain medications. One for actual pain and a muscle relaxant that might as well be the same as drinking a grass of water. My muscle spasms occur whenever they want. I'll be speaking to my kids and I will get a "flutter" in my hand and quickly use the other hand or nod. I don't want to pass any "maybe I got it too" type of thinking to them. They are impressionable. My m...

I was getting groceries out of our minivan and carried them into the house. There were quite a few but I make it a point to get them all and not make another trip back outside. Got them in the house and then sat down in my chair in our bedroom and my left arm felt really funny. Not heart attack funny. Different than what is usual for me. I looked down and it was shaking like a parkinson patient. My other arm started doing the same thing but not as much. My first thought was muscle exhaustion. But I have had that before, this felt completely different. It lasted for a long time. I took 3 prescribed muscle relaxants an hour prior. Had to take a 4th one which made me feel drugged. I am prescribed 6 a day. 3 at a time so this isn’t odd for me to take that amount. I fell asleep. Woke up feeling really groggy and everything was swaying. Extremely odd. I was still shaking just not as badly as I was before. I haven't posted anything in awhile. Probably because looking back on...

My muscles are in a constant state of flex. My body is failing me and its getting harder and harder to move. I mean, come on. Something has got to give. Either diagnose me or hell, I don't know! I a, just ranting. Thought I would get my thoughts out here to get some kind of normalcy back. Blogging is supposed to be therapeutic. I still feel like a freak though, sometimes I feel ok, other times I feel so enflamed in my joints. No rhyme or reason. Checked my diet, had blood panels done (a while ago). They ruled out the common ones like arthritis, MS, MD. All I know is that I have what is called Hyper Mobility. Basically all my joints are more elastic than what they should be. That and two torn rotator cuffs. I still get tremors and dizziness. I try to walk without my crutch or my cane and I can usually. I have fallen several times at home trying to not use them. I am getting better at it but it wears me out. I see these 40, 50, 60 year olds walk without needing anything. Some ev...

      Still waiting for my referral from the doctors about my surgery. It is going to be a long time to wait and even a longer recovery time once it happens. Scared? Yeah. First time under the knife, first time being REALLY partially immobile. Used to do stuff for myself. People bend over backwards to open doors for me when they see me coming and although I really appreciate it, it makes me feel disconnected from myself. Its weird. The gratitude I have is very real but there is always something in the back of my mind that says, "I should be helping them." I want so much to be helpful and make an impact in people. I feel broken in that respect. I want my kids to grow up and know how to treat people and feel empowered to keep doing it without any reward back other then that feeling and they did something they didn't have to do, or just go that extra distance.      Love one another. That isn't hard to do you would think. People still have i...

Well, it turns out that I will be needing surgery on both shoulders. I have 2 torn rotator cuffs. The left is way worse than the right. This is going to be quite an ordeal because I use my right arm with a Canadian crutch. There will be no way to walk around if I put my right arm in a sling. Kinda freaking out. I also have never had surgery before. I will have to figure something out, I will have to. Surgery isn't scheduled yet, waiting for referrals. More to come later...

Lately my right let has been going so fast as I am sitting still. It started not too long ago. Its like I cant turn it off like someone that is very antsy. Don't know what that is all about. I have a doctors apt tomorrow to go over my neck and shoulders MRI. They told me with x-rays that my neck has severe arthritis. I will post more tomorrow once I find out more. Till then... 

Today Is a standard day with the occasional accompanying body shakes. Feeling of vibration on my thighs and fingers mostly. Its like I have a device on vibrate in my pocket. My fingers are now so twitchy that it is taking longer to type this short post. Nothing consumed that would be able to effect me this way. Again a loss. No rhyme no reason. Docs know that its genetic. I have hyper mobility as well but no swelling of the joints so the friggin docs are scratching their heads. I am just so utterly lost and confused. I have some characteristics of one condition and some from another and another.... and another. If I could just transfer my pain, channel it to the doctors then perhaps they would understand what life is like in my body. Sometimes I wish that I could just float above myself without a inch of pain or discomfort. 20 seconds. Its all I ask. 20 seconds of life. Without my body holding me back. People tell me to try and go on disability but was already denied once a fe...

Took a nap too early. Everyone is obviously asleep. Hip and shoulder pain severe. Can't get comfortable within myself. Nothing to take for the pain like always. Full day tomorrow. Grin and bear through it.

So I went to a rheumatoid specialist and I apparently have a genetic disorder. Meaning... not fixable. So I will be awaiting the results of the tests. Will post when I find out. Feeling very downward spiral-ish.

I almost fell asleep watching my right hand. It started as a kind of twitch. I felt it but couldn't see it move. After a few painful "twitches" it then started to physically move. My two middle fingers at first. They were moving side to side instead of the way someone would grasp something or make a fist. Pulses. Then my pinkie. Without consciously flexing a muscle my hand was almost flapping to gain flight. For about 12 seconds...  and it was gone. That's it. The only thing that remained were extremely sore muscles. I wished that i could call it a standard run of the mill spasm but, i cant. It felt like something different. Something was off. I really don't understand my body sometimes. No one does it seems. I haven't had a muscle flutter quite like this one. It is physically hard to type this post after experienced something like that. Nothing has changed in my diet, I ate no new foods or drink. No consumption of alcohol or drugs... nothing different than a...

My current mode of transportation.  Whatever I see whenever I look down.  This doesn't define me because I won't let it.