Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

Today I go back to work. I think it will feel good. Back to the place I worked at for 7 1/2 years. I have heard that a lot of the people I worked with have since then moved on... So that is weighing a little heavily on me. I have met so many awesome people thru the years there, I am sure I will meet many more. The actual work itself I am ok with. Its going to be a good thing to get back to something I already know. This past year has been filled with uncertainty and chaos. That is the reason I am going back. Ever since I left Convergys, it seems that everything started going downhill. I am simply going back to the place where things made the most sense. Silly? Maybe. But I have to go with my gut on this one. If not for me, for my family. Its time to provide. Its time to build up what we have lost, and become a stronger family then we were before.

Pain found me again this morning.  Poking me with its silver blades, I groaned and twisted my body every way imaginable to somehow dodge his attacks but... was unsuccessful each time. He has found a way to enter my dreams now, therefore no or very little rest is obtainable. Dreams were my only resistance. To leap off a cliff and before plummeting to certain death, arms are spread and I pull up at the very last second and the only thing that would touch the jagged rock below is the wind dancing with small particles of dust where I would have landed. I am almost afraid to jump anymore in my dreams. The real world would surely find me and make me pay for trying to hide from it. I need an escape route, just to bypass his attacks... even if its just for a few minutes. Everywhere I run, he is already there. Every new place I find, he sits and is alreafy waiting for me. He is everywhere I go before I get there. He is... me. I can't separate him, he is too entwined within me. He almost...

When I started this pain journal I was expecting to put down all of the physical pain and record what started spasming and what I was doing when the onset occurred. Give it to the doctor and boom, done. Instant duagnosis. Sadly it has taken a little detour. I never took in to account the emotional pain that it puts on me, my friends, and most of all... my family. This last year has been the hardest of my life. My illness has gotten progressively worse which effects all of us. There have been so many doctors in the past 10 years. So many meds that did nothing but maybe mask the pain for a few minutes, gave me side effect after side effect... and then subside. My last doctors appointment at the end of November was perhaps the most eye opening that I have had. No news I hadn't already heard but I was getting the paperwork that the doctor gave me and there was a field that said diagnosis/other - it showed the words, Muscular Dystrophy.          ...

Please help This is going to sound both desperate and crazy but I have to try anything and everything that I can. I am the dad of two small boys as well as a husband. We recently were told that we have to vacate our home by the 2nd of December 2011. We have no income due to a medical issue that I have. I have some type of rare neuro muscular condition or a form of Muscular Dystrophy left undiagnosed. I have not been able to make the mortgage payments in a timely manner and our home has already went to a sheriffs sale on the 3rd of November. We have until the 2nd of December to come up with about 60 thousand dollars to be able to stay in the home and save it. This past year has been so hard on all of us financially as well as spiritually. We are getting my oldest tested for Autism and I really feel that this move would be a negative experience for him. Sorry. I just re-read what I have so far... It sounds horrible but i just cant let this go. There has to be something else that I can ...

Here it is... crunch time. I have exactly 6 days to raise about 60 grand, yeah, it IS possible but very unlikely. If I raise the funds I get to keep my home, if not, well... you know the rest. If I could get my hands on 650 bucks then there is a company that specializes in getting people with foreclosed homes time to live in the property so they can figure out what to do. A minimum of 30 days to 7 months or more,  http://www.plnevictiondefense.com  seems like exactly what I have been looking for but sadly this doesn't seem like a possibility either due to lack of funding. I start training back at Convergys on the 5th. I used to work there previously. 7 1/2 years total time. A lot of people ask me WHY GO BACK? Well, it just makes sense. Before I had the job we really didn't have a whole lot. I started at Convergys and was approved for a home... everything else just seemed to fall into place. 2 children, wife... Now everything is crazy. No money, no home......

Pardon my emotions on this one. They will be scattered various places. Man. Where do I start? ... I am usually a pretty private person but I need to release some guilt/stress or I will explode on people who dont deserve it. Ok, here I go... I feel as though I am a horrible father. God that sentence hurts. One of the very few things I have prided myself on is being a good dad. I have failed. Failed both my boys, as well as their mother. We are soon without a home, because I, the "provider" could not provide. Due to medical issues I could not make our mortgage payments... and now we have until the 2nd of December to vacate. Yes, I am a horrible father... I have taken the foundation out from my families feet and have replaced it with uncertainty... and did so at the worse time of the year. As I re-read what I typed up just now, I thought seeing it in print would possibly lead me to clarify of thought... You know, like sometimes in movies where the unlikely hero just captures ...

          I think that lately I have been far too focused on the negative aspects of my life.They always seem to outweigh the good by such a hefty margin.           To help me remember what I was put on this earth to do, to seek and replenish the strength I have lost, and to reafirm that all my actions are not perfect but well intended... 30 minutes each day I will sit in silience. 1800 seconds void of all intentional thought processes. All social interaction (including electronic means) will be silienced. I will be simply disconnected. I hope that within this thirty day period, I may find the clarity I can't seem to find anywhere else.           I know, you are asking yourself... why? My reply is... why not?