Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

Reading my last entry where I talk about looking at other peoples legs and how they move has really consumed me. I hope I don't secretly resent people because they are able to move without pain and I can't. I had a dream last night and the only thing I dreamt about was being able to move as naturally as ever. I was walking down a fire escape in between 2 close buildings. It had just rained because I remember the droplets falling periodically between the metal grating of the steps to an old empty dumpster below. Everything was in slow motion. The droplets that fell sounded as small bass drums when landing on the metal and plastic below. My cane lay at the very bottom on its side, the name Kasaundra etched in the wood was barely visible with the small pool forming underneath. Not sure if I was walking down to get the cane or just walking down but I know that there was no urgency to my steps. No thought process. It was just step after slow step. T...

          I don't even know what to type. Sitting at work with my back to my coworkers for fear of interaction. I hate this. I am supposed to be a people person but I just can't do it... not today. I feel like everyone is watching me and just feeling sorry for me. "Poor Mark, can't even walk a straight line with his cane." I bet they think I am faking it. Hell, if I was, you would have to give me an A+ for consistency.  Over 5 years and getting worse day by fucking day.           I now look at peoples legs and how they are able to move so freely and without the least resistance.           I used to like running. I ran a lot. Its like I could leave the world behind and with each thundrous extension of my leg, the pain seemed worth it. I thought that people ran with pain all the time. The more they ran, the further away from the pain they were. Pain...

I am so tired of feeling so broken all the time. Tired of feeling like I have to try twice as hard as everyone else. Granted I know that there are a LOT worse off people then myself out in the world and my heart goes out to them. I honestly can't even think of my life with my broken body being any harder... But I know it could be worse. That has me worried. If this is a progression (which it is) it means it IS going to get worse. Much worse. If I can't stand it now, that doesn't give me any comfort for the future. I just have to reach down further and find something rooted that the claws can slowly rip... And then reach even further then that each and every day.

With making a fist for 10 seconds, and letting go... Hands will not go back to normal on their own.

          Ok. On top of all the pain and ailments that I have already, sleeplessness has to be a bitch too.           I know that lack of sleep can be quite a nuisance so this post will be short due to hands cramping up and the light from my phone might be bothering my wife.           I will be making a page for all of my issues complete with images. Be looking for that later. Good night, I hope.

(Saved At 12:44 pm) Here I sit, at work, looking at everyone interact with one another. When I was in training class for this job, I was told that I was or acted like a loner. I told my wife and she agreed with them. I never really thought of myself as a loner but I guess that is what I am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE people. You can't feel inspired totally unless you include the human condition and all that it has to offer. Why am I a loner? I don't know. Perhaps it is because i feel inadequate. Who wants to be surrounded by people that are smarter, better looking, and on a better train of life then you are. Yes, I know what you are saying or thinking. There is no one that knows for sure if they are better off. There is no one to say that you are diminutive to them but yourself. Your seeing my negative self outlook, assuming that I had issues at home when I was a child. Yes, correct, but this isn't about then, it's about now. I have created my own sys...

It's weird. You would think that you would know your body pretty well as it is something you see and feel every day of your life. I looked down recently due to some pain I had, and noticed that my hands were very ... Un-natural. My pinkys are starting to almost grow away from the rest of my fingers. As you can see by the 3 recent photos in this post, some of my other fingers get locked in place. My fingers though are extremely strong. Almost too strong. I can't even tickle my children because I wind up hurting them. I have to really focus on my hands when I hold a glass or cup, some days I can feel my hands grip too strong that I might break the cup... And other days I feel as though that glass could slip right out of my grasp. I have to hold the glass with my pinky underneath so I won't drop it. Whatever I have is very inconsistent. I wish that there was a path my body would follow rather then bouncing around from one extreme to the other.