Mark H. Ryan's Pain Journal

This blog entry was created using just my voice. Some sentences might be odd. But I'm posting it as is. It helps me think by speaking. I'm not a negative person, but some experiences have left me feeling negative. and I hate it. I hate taking medication for what I have. I hate taking medication. To be anxious all the time and worry• about everything is a full-time job. To be able to relax would be awesome, it's been so long that I've forgotten what being relaxed feels like. I hurt all the time and I worry about that. I worry all the time and I worry about that. I have children and of course I worry about them. Relationships, worry. Money, worry. Every aspect of my life is one big worry fest.

For some reason both my feet, calves, and right knee are swollen. Feels like I hyper extended my knee but I don't remember doing it. I have compression socks on and also a foot stool and it still hurts. Bah!

The amount of anxiety is absolutely staggering. Everything feels like it is closing in and piling up and I don't have a way out. Depression is a horrible thing for so many people. I know that if I can just get a handle on what it is that I have, to be diagnosed... things would be so much better. I would know then. Not knowing is so much harder to take... perhaps it WOULD be different if I did know, hell I haven't an idea. I am just grasping at straws at this point. I haven't posted on this blog in a while because it just started to seem whiny. Like a four year old wanting candy for dinner. Relentless. Just so hard. I was thinking about deleting this whole blog and not starting over. Not having a pain blog would be my way to say I have no pain. Again, grasping at straws. If I could just release and relax... it would be so much easier. No, I am not open to drugs unless they are prescribed. Just how I am. Now if they legalize I would try. But that is probably not something

On top of the other pains I now have the flu or just getting over the flu. Boy being a grown-up blows. My body aches are x's 10 today for sure. More to come tomorrow...

Been a while since I have posted anything. The pain is still there but it is what it is. There. I am at a stalemate and its time to dust off the game board and set the pieces back up. I have conditioned myself to walk without a crutch now. I limp slightly (I think) from time to time. I am fed up more than anything. I wish it wasn't a consistent type of pain... but nevertheless I write it down, look back on it and SOMETIMES laugh. I have to. I am not crying, I refuse to do that. Not feeling sorry for myself. Its the hand I was dealt and I plan on playing the game until its over. I know that last part was a bit melodramatic. Its a blog people... I have to spice it up with a little literary flare. It I don't it might as well be a bunch of sad words strung together and I wouldn't even want to read that. ... more later.

My back is still on fire. Lower back. I have been trying to loosen it up but it becomes more and more unbearable as time progresses. Even hurts when I take a deep breath. I go to the pain management doc on the 5th so we will see.